Maryoceane

So I’ve been thinking of getting a pet for my dog Charlie. You heard me! I am gone 7-3 during the day, and he certainly needs a lot of love and affection. I am thinking maybe if I get him a girlfriend, he will be less lonely, and hopefully, less destructive to my tupperware I leave laying around sometimes. When I take him for walks and other dogs are in sight, he pulls me to them, whining because he wants to go sniff their butt. So maybe he just needs a regular butt to sniff every day. Or is it like marriage and he’ll get bored of sniffing the same old butt all the time, and eventually commit butt sniffing adultery with other dogs in the neighborhood? He probably would. Player.

But either way, Connor says I have to become the “alpha dog” before thinking of getting another dog. We watch too much dog whisperer. So much, in fact, that I have learned this very important lesson: I am not Cesar Milan. I cannot make a crazy dog calm with a “TSH” and a snap. God damn that man making me feel like I am a terrible pet owner. Yes, Charlie puts his paw on me whenever he wants me to pet him. YES HE IS DOMINATING ME. Yes, he jumps on me when I come home from work. YES HE IS DOMINATING ME. Yes, I let him mark trees, poles, fire hydrants, trash bags, and nearly anything he wants to mark when I walk him. YES HE IS DOMINATING THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. Yes, he occasionally gets into bags of almonds and poops/vomits whole almonds for two straight days, despite all the toys I buy him. YES HE IS SPOILED AND GREEDY. But Cesar, Charlie has the cutest big brown eyes, and is such a good cuddler, and he doesn’t go crazy when I shave him OR when I bathe him. And when he pants, sometimes his tongue hangs out the side of his mouth and it’s SO ADORABLE. I love him and he loves me, even if he thinks I am his pet. But because my boyfriend loves you, worships you, and tries to emulate you with Charlie, I will get him some freakin’ pet training classes or something before I think of getting him his own pet. But I am still going to “awwww” at every single cute potential doggy girlfriend/butt sniff on my PetFinder.com app and show them to Charlie to ask his opinion. So there.