Maryoceane

I teeter on the line of being a relatively private person or wanting to be a more open, honest person; more of an open book. I’d say the majority of the time I tend to be more of the latter. Unfortunately, as mature as I can be, I am also somewhat naïve. The naïve side of me has a tendency to open up to people that are not really looking out for my best interest.

I am warned often from good friends that I need to be less trusting. I have mixed feelings about that. In so many ways, I feel like this fear of being fucked over and this lack of trust in the goodness of others just runs us in circles. You trust, you get fucked over, you stop trusting, you close the door to so many potentially amazing friendships/relationships that could inspire so much growth and warmth inside you that would otherwise be stifled. And at some point, because of this emotional disconnection, you fuck someone else over. And the cycle repeats.

Ultimately, what I try to remember is that being a trusting person is a form of compassion. If we all shut down on each other, we will stop being able to relate to each other on a truly human level. Yes, we can always relate to each other on superficial levels—fashion, gossiping, “Oh man I got so drunk last night” conversations, but in the grander scheme of life…those things don’t really matter. What does matter is that you feel things wholly and honestly, and not to be afraid to do so regardless of what could happen. Some of the best things I’ve learned in life didn’t come from school, but rather came from really open and honest conversations I’ve had with friends and strangers. These people chose to open up to me and teach me the things that I haven’t yet learned and might never learn.  In turn, I want to do the same for others. I want to put myself out there, even if it’s scary sometimes. I want to show them that it’s pretty okay to just be who you are and feel the things you feel, even if they’re a little hard to comprehend. We could be much more compassionate people this way. Instead, we hide within ourselves and put up walls because we’re afraid of getting hurt. What we keep forgetting is that getting hurt is part of growth. After every conflict is a rejoice and a chance to learn something, so long as we are not bitter or passive about what has happened. Everything that I go through in life, even through the hardest times, I’ve tried to ask myself what I’m learning from this. Sometimes the answer doesn’t come for months or years later, but it does always eventually rise to the surface. And everytime it does, I’m  mostly grateful that I chose to put myself and my feelings out there, even if I risked getting screwed over.

The best way to learn how to swim is to jump into the water.